Thursday, October 22, 2009

Does anybody else ever feel like the little lost and forgotten kid? I feel like that all of the time, OK, so maybe I'm not exactly little, and maybe I'm not exactly a "kid" anymore, but still. A lot of the time I feel lost, and forgotten. It's like I feel that I have to be good, no not good, the best at something, or people are going to forget I did it, or i feel like i have to be ditsy, and act like a blond for somebody to notice me, and I hate it. Because honestly, none of that is me. Sometimes I make myself sick with the way I act. I'm not nearly as unobservant, and naive, and kid like as everybody seems set on convincing themselves I am. My teachers are convinced that I'm not serious at anything that I do, and then they find out that I have a brain and they're like wow. And I know that a lot of that is my fault, I shouldn't act the part of the ditsy blond, but I've acted that part so long that now I have no idea who I am anymore. Am I the brainiac, the book worm who is so good at English, and is SUPPOSED to be amazing at everything else...Or am I the girl who doesn't give a flying flip about grades, who just wants to make it through high school in one piece? Somehow, I'm stuck in between these two people, and sometimes it feels like they're fighting within me, trying to find a place of their own. Is there room enough for both of them to be happy inside of me? Or will one have to live, and the other have to just give up? Because I really like both of those, and I really hope that someday I can find a way to be a combination of each of them, but who knows.
And on the subject of being naive, people hardly ever take me seriously, unless I get really upset about something, people think I'm kidding all of the time.I swear my math teacher thinks that I go home and sleep/talk on the phone/do nothing all day. It's like he thinks that I'm incompetent, and not capable of being a grown up or something. The ironic thing about all of that is that he's only 10 years older than our class is, he's only 2 years older than my favorite cousin, and he seems so much older, he seems like an old man. And I'm sad for him, because at 26 he shouldn't be teaching a bunch of 16 year old's something they don't even care about. He should be out having fun, at his first "real" job, not stuck in the boonies teachin a bunch of country kids Trig...

1 comment:

  1. Just for the record, I never thought that. I always thought you were way smarter than you acted, simply because your action at times spoken more loudly than your words and vice versa. MJ, you ARE noticed. Don't be afraid to be yourself because that is the only person worth meeting in your life. Don't waste time posing as a person you aren't...and your true self isn't lost, just a little deeper than the others. So be happy, adn don't worry!


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